I met this man he was an contemporary jojk musician.
he interpretated rooms and people through his jojk.
we went to my studio.
he interpretated some sculptures and the big studio with the high windows and the he started to interpret me.
I recorded it.
For some reason we came into an argument that ended up in me hitting him in his head with a quite heavy brownish pink cut out map of China.
he died. immediately.
It was funny because I had always thought it would be china that changed my life. maybe not that literally but anyway...

I had to escape.
went to london and started working as a hostess at a stripclub in SOHO.
tought i could go undecover and do a documentary about female labours.
it never happened.
the stripclub specialised in ropes and tying people, mostly women to things.
was wondering why i never fell in love.
i lived with heather but never fell in love with her. i was too stressed as well. could never go anywhere. i always wanted to have the curtains down
so we broke up and I decided i had to shape up and do something more important.

by chance i found supercheap one-way tickets to bangkok.
I decided to go there, bring my camera, work as an english teacher. film prostitutes.

the last scene of me leaving london would be me putting my wig in an plastic bag and walking out from the dark redish velvet inside to the full daylight.
as a voiceover:
a conversation on the phone between me and heather
H> No don’t apologise, I am happy you give me beautiful words. Just don’t know because I am so slow with emotion.
M> Maybe afraid to make disappointment?
H> Maybe afraid you might be bored before I know.

and then the film starts:

Bang kok trans vest ite, every part of the word should pop-up on a black background: Lesbian filmmaker goes to Bangkok to do a film on prostitution.
voiceover
scene from street with prostitution bangkok
Went again, for refugee. For hiding.
For getting smiles just because of the smiles.
To go to flowermarkets.
I fell in love, again.
Women women women.
Love love love.
I did pay for it.
Love love love.
(…)

(Scene from the apartment we share)
i am trying out her earrings wearing green eyelashes
she is wearing long nails with pearls on them. i had made them for her on her birthday. we talk. about thai whiskey and short white plastic figures of jack daniels.
she tells me she will wear fur even in the summer when she comes to sweden.
I tell her she has to wear only fur then,
we laugh
we fall in love.
we start to make love.
voiceover:
I recall how we met and how I fell through layers of love to you. How I thought you were the most beautiful woman and my surprise when I realized you were a man.

Despite the complication we begin an awkward relationship.in short this is what happens:
we live together.
we buy a bird and decide that I will leave when the bird dies.
we let the bird live in a big mosquito net cage in the middle of the apartment.
we talk about men as being like plastic figures.
and women being like neon balls.
we talk about making me pregnant.
we dont talk about love.
i start to long for skiing and blond sisters.
we go for vacation on a motorcycle we buy embroideries there
i start to think about what time it is in london
we listen to the beatles and make love
you give me bracelets
the bird dies
you leave
(…)

(Scene where i am putting gaff tape around my foot and what is left of a high heel shoe)
-And then one day she left. I noticed because my shoes were half. Nothing else was missing except the toes of my shoes and the heels of my slippers.

(Scene of me walking on the street with the high heels gaffed to my heels, the balls of myfeet bare against the ground,
it is night time people are sitting on the sidewalk restaurants, eating.
Bangkok chaos of tuk-tuks and cars,
I look devastated my voice is mixed with the street sound:
-Someone had left a nice golden sweater on our bedroom floor. I put it on and spent the whole day in someone else’s smell. Just because of the golden sweater, my arms and legs were following me on pure luck.
“Just because we didn’t change in time”,
I thought every time a tuk-tuk honked to me.
“Just because we didn’t change in time”,
I thought every time my bare foot ball happens to step in a dirty puddle on the sidewalk.
“Just because we didn’t change in time”,
I thought everytime I mistook someone for you.

(…)

we just meet once more: before i leave
i bite your finger and there is makeup on my throat
the scene is both arousing and amusing
deadly sensitive things in between our fingers, but lets forget that.

When I go back to sweden I am pregnant:
scene from myS jailbed:
there are ants walking over my pregnant stomach.
My voice, as if I am thinking it:
What are the ants doing in my bed? I feed them with rice and soymilk.
i strike my stomach and say out loud:
May you grow big and full of oestrogen.
May you never wonder wheater you are men or women.
May you always strive for the luck of being who you are born to be.